La Japoneisa: The Future

Suddenly my enlightenment plan that was becoming clearer everyday I had to spend locked inside of my room, with every word of my dissertation I had to type, or with every sentence of every new essay I had to create or every minute I had to study for an exam, begins to seem vaguer and vaguer and all the ideas my head and mouth were full of seem to be disappearing in this strange fog of pennyless-all-on-my-own fear. No bravery.
From the western half of the world all appeared so distant but also so easy and I felt heroic and invincible. And now, from the eastern periphery it all looks so so so difficult, almost touching on the 'undoable' term which makes me even more scared, but of nothing else except for my own weakness and failure.
And I find myself once again standing still and wondering (when I thought all this was done a long time before and finished and almost sealed off with my plans and dreams) where to go or even more importantly what to do to get myself out of this perceived hole of insecurity.
I guess this is the right time for another good and deep thunk.